Why can’t they ever get lesbian sex scenes right? Could it be because the actresses haven’t got a clue and need to visit g3 HQ for some lessons? Or maybe because the only thing the over-paid, over-weight directors have for reference is the lesbian porn that they have stashed in their archived library. We take a look at a selection of films which feature girls, girls and more girls, and mark our own raunchy ratings for maximum XXX-effort!  

The Killing Of Sister George (1968)

Cheryl Reid plays June Buckridge, a radio actress who's character is about to be killed off. The film focuses on her peculiar relationship with Childie, played by the much younger, glamorous and high femme Susannah York, and her seduction by the predatory Mercy Croft.

Realness: It's a spot -on depiction of a nasty claustrophobic relationship featuring abuse, jealousy, weirdness, and cheating.
XXX appeal: Unless you have a thing for tweed, forget it!
Where they get it totally wrong: It's pretty much a sex-free zone.
Where they get it totally right: The filmmakers shot some footage at the famous Gateways Club, so you get to see real life dykes dancing and flirting with each other. The butch-femme dynamic is electric, plus the scene where Buckridge makes Childie eat a cigar butt is an all time SM dyke classic moment. 

The Hunger (1983)

Catherine Deneuve is shacked up with David Bowie. They're both vampires. In walks Susan Sarandon and she and Deneuve get it on.

Realness: Vampires? Are you joking?
XXX appeal: Hmm, kind of tame.
Where they get it totally wrong: It's all a bit softcore for this writer.
Where they get it totally right: Who wouldn't want to see Deneuve in the buff?

 Claire Of The Moon (1992)

Two women fall in love at a lesbian writer's retreat. One is allegedly straight, the other's a lez. They spend a lot of time processing.

Realness: When the character has an orgasm we merely get a shot of a woman's hand grasping a white sheet in a dramatic way.
XXX appeal: Zero!
Where they get it totally wrong: Where to start? The endless group processing meetings? The shots of women gazing out to sea? The annoyingly intrusive background music?
Where they get it totally right: This dreadful film is lesbian kitsch at its best. 

Go Fish (1994)

Max looks for love in all the wrong places until she meets Ely. They fall in love and live happily ever after.

Realness: The seduction scene is charming, clumsy, awkward and as real as it gets on film.
XXX appeal: It ain't raunchy, but it's very sweet.
Where they get it totally wrong: Ten years on it appears a little preachy and dated.
Where they get it totally right: Aww, those gals are so cute, and Guinevere Turner was, is, and will always be a foxy lady. 

Bound (1996)

Lovers Jennifer Tilley and Gina Gershon are on the run form the Mob, the boss of whom is Tilley's boyfriend. Eek!

Realness: High, very very high. These gals actually use their hands.
XXX appeal: Ooh la la!
Where they get it totally wrong: Gershon as a butch? She was more believable in 'Showgirls'.
Where they get it totally right: The directors hired the famous dyke sexpert Susie Bright to choreograph the film's sex scenes, resulting in some bona fide steaminess. 

High Art (1997)

Ally Sheedy plays a washed-up, junked-out photographer whose career is revitalised by Radha Mitchell, a young magazine editor. The pair take a lot of drugs and have a lot of sex.

Realness: You'll never see a better depiction of drugged-up dykehood.
XXX appeal: Scorchio.
Where they get it totally wrong: It's arthouse, so it's somewhat pretentious.
Where they get it totally right: Perfect casting, real-looking sex, real-looking drugs, real-looking people. They should all head to real-looking rehab in my opinion. 

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Who knows what this one's about? The usual David Lynch weirdness features Naomi Watts and Laura Harring as strangely creepy girlfriends.

Realness: It's snogsville, buster.
XXX appeal: Glossy and hot in a funny subconscious kinda way.
Where they get it totally wrong: Wot, no bulldaggers?
Where they get it totally right: That Lynchian dreaminess is hard to beat when it comes to filmic explorations of the darker side of human sexuality.

Monster (2004)

Charlize Theron gains 30 pounds and puts on a lot of make-up (not in a good way) to become the death-row serial Killer Aileen Wuornos. Whilst on the run Wuornos has a relationship with Selby (Christina Ricci).

Realness: It is a real story and Charlize did a great job.
XXX appeal: How could it all go so wrong. I know it’s real but they could’ve made the sex less gruesome.
Where they get it totally wrong: The ‘sex scene’ could make you vomit in your popcorn.
Where they get it totally right: The film is one of the best lesbian docu-movies ever made.